• Lumen Armiger
Light Bringer
  • Lumen Armiger

R.P.G. Act I (2005)

ENCUMBRANCE

Benjamin: Alright, let me see your character sheets.

(Pauses to read over the character record sheets.)

Benjamin: Tony! Why does your guy carry all this crap around?

Tony: What? What do you mean?

Benjamin: All this junk listed under equipment. You must have 600 pounds of stuff here.

Tony: I...I don't recall us using the encumbrance rules.

Benjamin: No, we don’t use those rules, but common sense dictates that you can't carry around a metric ton of gear and still be able to participate in combat.

Bird: Common sense rule? What page is that on?

Tony: Well....I drop the backpack in combat and I pick it up later.

Benjamin: Tony. Seriously...this is incredible.

Scott: All his guys carry that much stuff. All of them have the same exact equipment list.

Tony: My guy's an adventurer. He likes to be prepared.

Benjamin: Prepared?! Let's see here....backpack, two large linen bags...

Tony: ...to carry the stuff in...

Benjamin: ...sleeping roll, tent, hatchet...

Tony: ...for chopping wood...

Benjamin: ...skinning knife, change of clothes, bar of soap...

Tony: ...so I can bathe. Just cause your guys all stink...

Sega: My character's Elvish. They don't have body odor.

Benjamin: ...small mirror, comb...

Scott: Ha. Vain little guy isn't he?

Benjamin: ...clove of garlic, belladonna leaves, six vials of holy water, knife sharpening kit, ink quill, ink well, five sheets of paper...

Tony: ...for drawing maps...

Benjamin: ...two weeks of preserved food, waterskin...

Bird: Wow. Two weeks of food

Benjamin: ...flint and steel, kindling, twelve torches, a waterproof lantern with 5 flasks of oil...

Bird: He's afraid of the dark.

Benjamin: ...a jar of lard...

Tony: ...So...so I can put it on and squeeze through tight openings.

Benjamin: Not while carrying all this crap you won't.

Bird: Let's be honest. Why would Tony's guy carry a jar of...lubricant?

Scott: Did I mention my guy sleeps on his back?

Bird: My guy sleeps in a tree...while invisible.

Sega: My guy...doesn't sleep.

Benjamin: ...a ten foot wooden pole, sixteen iron spikes, a small hammer...

Scott: You've got me. What's the pole for?

Bird: Odd that he lists it on his sheet right next to "Jar of Lard".

Sega: No, really. My guy's Elvish...Elves don't sleep.

Benjamin: ...Two hundred feet of rope, grappling hook...

Tony: ...It's rope! In case I need to tie something up, or if we fall in a pit.

Benjamin: A pit? Okay, so let's say everyone falls into a 120 foot deep chasm.

Sega: My guy's Elvish. I don't think he can fall in a chasm.

Benjamin: Oh, shut up.

Sega: No, really. It's like some kind of special nature ability.

Benjamin: Whatever. But the rest of you are stuck at the bottom of some kind of pit.

Tony: And I use the rope.

Benjamin: But, it's just rope. It's not magical...at least it doesn't say it's magical.

Tony: That's what the grappling hook is for. So I can toss it up and we can climb out.

Benjamin: Hmmm. Scott, how much does a grappling hook weigh?

Scott: I dunno.

Benjamin: Aren't you looking at the equipment price lists?

Scott: Yeah, but it doesn't list the weight.

Benjamin: What?!

Bird: That's stupid. That's like if I walk into a deli and say "Give me ham" and the guy cuts off some randomly selected chunk of meat. He says "Here is ham. Four dollar please".

Sega: I'm getting hungry.

Scott: Here it is....15 pounds.

Benjamin: Okay..so Tony...you take 200 foot of rope, tie a 15 pound metal fish hook thingy on it...

Tony: Yeah.

Benjamin: And then throw it up a 120 foot shaft?

Tony: Yeah.

Benjamin: Honestly.

Tony: My guy's bad-assed. He can throw the hook a mile if need be.

Scott: If we fell into a 120 foot pit, methinks getting out is a secondary problem.

Bird: To what?

Scott: Broken legs.

Tony: Oh, that reminds me. How much is a First Aid kit.

Scott: Uh...let me see...15 gold pieces.

Bird: First Aid kit? What's in that?

Tony: You know...bandages, splints, tourniquet.

Benjamin: Ha. Yeah, cause that fixes everything.

Bird: I have a toothache. Please attach the tourniquet to my face.

Tony: Yeah, well you won't be laughing when you're bleeding 6 hits a round from your leg and you need to stop the flow of blood.

Benjamin: What else is in there?

Scott: In the kit? Uh, that's really it.

Bird: No healing potions? Aside from the tourniquet, seems kind of useless.

Tony: It's sort of like the Automotive First Aid kit. Or the Boy Scout First Aid kit. Remember? It was a plastic box with like five band-aids, some aspirin, a roll of gauze, some antibacterial ointment, and a snake bite kit.

Benjamin: Honestly? If you're out walking in the woods and you get some kind of injury that requires Neosporin and an elastic bandage, and you can't wait until you get back to camp...you're a pussy and shouldn't be allowed out of the house.

Bird: All I remember from Boy Scouts was having this knife, looks like something Rambo would use to stick Vietnamese soldiers. It had a compass in the handle that unscrewed and there was a secret compartment inside...

Scott: Didn't it have a garrote in there?

Bird: Uh, no. It was a fishing line, some hooks, and some matches. Although I suppose you could strangle someone with the fishing line. 

Tony: That's cool. 

Benjamin: No, you can't buy one.

Bird: Why would you want a knife with a garrote in the handle?

Scott: So you can take out foes silently.

Bird: Why not just stab them...with the knife?

Sega: My guy's an Elf and he's really silent. He should have the knife.

Tony: Anyway...can I have my sheet back?

Benjamin: Also...I would like to point out that your wearing a suit of full plate armor. You're also carrying a large metal shield, a composite longbow...

Sega: What's a composite longbow?

Scott: It's like a longbow, except it has greater range and does more damage.

Bird: That weapon's dumb.

Scott: Why?

Bird: Cause it's just like a longbow, but it does more damage with better range. Why would anyone even bother with a regular generic longbow?

Scott: Well...it does cost…something around twenty gold pieces.

Bird: You know how much a regular bow is?

Scott: How much?

Bird: Fifteen gold.

Benjamin: That is kind of stupid. 

Tony: It's in the book, so there.

Benjamin: Also, you're carrying a quiver with sixty regular arrows, twenty silver arrows, and twenty plus five arrows. In addition, of course, to the Long Sword of the High Elven Fire Lord.

Tony: It's a magical sword!

Benjamin: So? Doesn't mean that it has no weight.

Sega: My guy's Elvish. He might have helped crafting the sword.

Scott: If it had no weight, it really wouldn't be able to cut through anything, I would think.

Tony: But...the blade is sheathed in flames. That's what causes the majority of the damage.

Benjamin: The blade is on fire?

Tony: Yeah. It says it right in the book.

Benjamin: So...where do you put this sword when you're not using it?

Tony: In...it's...scabbard....

Benjamin: Wouldn't the scabbard catch fire?

Tony: Oh, piss off. It only burst into flame in combat.

Benjamin: Does it say that in the book?

Tony: Oh, screw you.

Bird: Might I ask, what are the torches and lanterns for?

Tony: What?

Bird: The torches? You have a sword of flame.

Tony: There you go. Go ahead Benny, cross off the torches, lantern, flint and steel. So there.

Benjamin: Yeah...now your guy is...reasonable.

Sega: My guy's an Elf and Elves are very reasonable.

Bird: They're also very stupid.

 

Wednesday 09.25.13
Posted by Benjamin Chilton
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